Monday, January 27, 2014

Paper tiger teeth



I feel like I've been busy pulling teeth from paper tigers - the words, lessons and false messages of my past ambush me in the strangest ways. Less than before for which I am so thankful to Jesus. But still when that acid hits my stomach and the FIGHT defense comes up so fast I hardly know what to do.
And I instantly regret it. The outburst. The frustration. The hard face and harsh voice. It seems all my life I have failed in those areas, like God gave me a short fuse and said, "Okay have fun with that!" knowing it would take me 30 some years to figure out I need to stay away from people with matches. And lighters. And other open flames. Even if they are family. Even if they are friends. Even if they say they mean well or they are doing God's work. And I need to stop lighting them when I feel frustrated and want to blow it all up. BOOM.
Sharing my story, well honestly parts of my story, has been done to share my healing journey not because I did anything special but because God did. To share my beliefs that we need to speak up. To advocate for those with no voice. And encourage them in finding their voice. And then listening when they do. Giving them ownership of it. Building them up like the walls in Nehemiah and guarding them.
I'm a much better encourager than a sharer. There are two kinds of unhealthy responses to sharing our hurts: the drama lovers. They want the details, every blood smear and tear drop. They don't want to hear the healing but have you relive the hurt. For their entertainment. The others are the 'get over its' when they hear you have a story their response is: It's in the past, let it go. Move on. Leave that ____ behind. They don't care to get messy. Or involved. They want you as is comfortable for them. Not you.
God brought me through. I'm on the healing path. I'm an encourager and advocate. I'm a reforming (daily? minute by minute more likely) ogress. I love passionately and lean on my Lord, unworthy and yet completely redeemed and loved. Yeah it makes me cry. And yeah I fear moving forward with story, sharing and *gasp* community where all the vulnerabilities come out. But God moves me and I'm learning to go. Sometimes dragging my feet, sometimes making excuses but I go.
I am thankful for this community, for these women. We laugh together, create and pray. It is a huge blessing to me. A life changer.

~  ~  ~

This post was originally a comment here: http://www.joannfore.com/online-study-9  Jo Ann said in her reply it was a post on it's own. So I decided to give it some wings and let it fly!  This is raw. This is real. This is right now.

Want to know more about this story, and the stories of other women who are Finding Their Voice?  Join us at JoAnnFore.com for the ongoing study of her amazing book When A Woman Finds Her Voice.

Join in for the blog prompts, leap in for the study, join us on Facebook, read posts by the encouraging and real #VoiceBloggers and be encouraged. Be real. Be loved.


18 comments:

  1. So glad she gave you wings, and you decided to fly with it! Oddly I was contemplating a winged theme myself as I was driving today! AND I need to join in on Joanne's wonderful connecting point...just get sidetracked. Eventually, I will be there! Thank you for being you Shanyn. You are such a blessing. And yes to your description of others dealing with the healing journey- you so pegged it. We just need to keep on the path He has us...regarless! Love and hugs, sista!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hugs and love back sista! You come in and join us when you can! Maybe with that spanky new blog you have rolling out ;-)

      Wings! Fly! We need to.

      Delete
  2. Yes! All of This! Thank you for sharing your heart. It so echos my story at times. Glad to know I am not the only one with a short fuse and oh how God is working on me with that. Thank you for your honesty and raw in this place. Blessed to call you friend. ~Victoria

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no you aren't the only one. :-) And I'm so thankful to know we can stand together and watch for match throwers! Love that God works on these things with us, and lets us have the courage to share, to encourage one another. Bless you my friend!

      Delete
  3. Control is always harder than impulse and not everyone is Blessed with the Peace of Jesus. Bring your problems to the Lord in Prayer is as valid today as when it was penned in the Beginning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true. Thanks for coming by. Bless you.

      Delete
  4. I love your honesty. You say the things we all feel, and I love that about you. Your vulnerability helps women be okay with theirs. Keep doing what you're doing. People are listening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carey - you encourage me so! Thank you. Bless you girl, thanks for being here with me on this journey!

      Delete
  5. You are beautiful, and your story is beautiful because through your sharing we get to be present in places and times in your life we would've completely missed. And there will be some who want to be there to hear it all, to relive it with you--and then stick around to build a relationship that helps you heal because you matter. You give and you give and people will take. And every once in a while there will be one who will stop you when you ask for the check because you figure they've heard about all they can stomach. And she'll put her hand over yours and say, "Hey, why don't we get coffee and stay awhile?" And you won't believe it for a minute, but then you will halt the check and ask for coffee instead and your heart will smile because it already feels a little more whole. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lisa - your comment brings thankful tears to my eyes. Every. Time. I .Read. It. Thank you for your friendship, for your heart and your encouragement and love. Oh you know my hope, and gave it words. Bless you my friend.

      Delete
  6. So glad you have found your beautiful voice, Shanyn…and God has really used it to bless me. And yes, I so relate regarding the people who want to hear my gory details for the wrong reasons…and those who want me to shut up and move on. So thankful for my sisters like you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl, thank you! :-) I am thankful for you as well.

      Delete
  7. "I'm on the healing path. I'm an encourager and advocate." Love that line. Isn't it something to marvel at, that all the toil and pain leads us there. Thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  8. Way to go Shanyn! You have come so far my friend, love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sarah! You are so encouraging, and I love your voice. :-)

      Delete