Six Years Ago

1 Corinthians 2:5 (NIV)

"so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power."

Six years ago tonight, this was my heart's foundation, this was my prayer.  After days of struggling in pain to convince nurses and doctors to listen to me I was drugged up in preparation for what they called an emergency c-section.  This little one inside of me struggling to be born needed help.  I needed help.

God listened and He brought us through.  He provided a wonderful doctor when mine was on his holidays.  He provided an amazing surgeon who saw right away our distress.  He gave me a wonderful husband and supportive friends and family. 

Six years ago tonight I surrendered my life to God and offered to Him the life I carried.  I surrendered my wishes to His power and grace.  I was able to rest.  I was able to face the morning with calm. 

God heard the secret prayer in my heart to be a Mama.  A good Mama.  To show myself, and those who doubted, that I could do it.  God blessed us with an amazing son.

Six years ago tonight, I held my husband's hand and prayed for him.  Prayed for us.  God gave us peace.  God gave us rest.  God must have smiled knowing what lay ahead.  Okay, maybe God laughed out loud!


Tonight, for the first time since he was born my husband isn't here, Daddy isn't here.  Our hearts hurt with that distance and yet again God is giving us peace. God is giving us grace.  God is asking our surrender to His will.  And we are giving it. Freely.

This body, that carried him when I thought it would carry no child, hugs her 'big boy' and realizes that the surrender was more than one night.  It was the surrender of not being a morning person and the surrender of nights  and it was the surrender of so many things I don't even miss!


The tears, the fears, the giggles, and endless questions bless me.  The struggles to learn, the soaring after grasping something, the little helper hands making big messes and the wonder of seeing him grow in his faith.


If there is nothing else I do that matters.  If no one reads another word I type, another poem I share.  If no one sees another photo I take or another page I scrap.  If my voice is silenced except for one thing, that he lives and loves God, then I will have done enough.

His faith encourages and inspires me.  He sees God so personally and loves Him so deeply.  He shows me how to love God as a child and in that love I find my own way to love God that way too!


Six years ago tonight I could have had no understanding of how much that baby, toddler and little boy has brought me closer to God, to my husband and to my faith.


He sleeps, the excited slumber of an 'almost 6 years old boy' and I look back, praises and wonder still, thinking of him, of his Daddy, of our family of three.  I'm awed and amazed and filled with wonder all over again.


Thank you God for this shining light You blessed us with.